The Hamburglar

Bartending is a lot like Catholicism in the age of Martin Luther’s reformation. One of the issues Martin Luther had with the church is that Catholics could purchase indulgences in order to avoid punishment from God. Tips in a bar are a form of indulgences. Big tippers get away with far more than bad tippers, but stealing from the kitchen is where I draw the line.

The Hamburglar has been featured in my blog before. During the previous O’ Brien’s administration, there was an issue on whether we could/would eighty-six the Hamburglar. You see the Hamburglar is a good customer in regards to the amount of money he spends. Alas, the Hamburglar only had a Discover card, which we don’t accept as payment, so any tab he started was based on faith. After walking on one too many tabs, he was deemed a cash and carry customer. He spends a lot of money at the bar and tips well, so he’s granted some indulgences, such as his compulsive lying. I can’t prove that he didn’t serve multiple terms in Iraq, but I do know that he doesn’t own O’ Brien’s. Come on. I may act like I own the place, but I would never stoop so low that I’d say I do. In any case, last night the Hamburglar closed out his tab. He left twenty on forty-two, an extremely generous tip. If I’m the Pope of the bar, I’m thinking this guy bought a few indulgences. So the Hamburglar can’t find the chicken strips which he ordered. I go to the kitchen to look for the ticket. It turns out the chicken strips have already gone out. The odd thing is that the Hamburglar is holding a bag with two to-go containers. I don’t know if he wants to get caught, but he admits that one is the chicken strips and the other is a hamburger. I ask, “Who paid for the burger?” He tells me that his friend, Captain Crook, paid for it. I ask Aoife and Kimi the deal and they know nothing about the burger. I catch the Hamburglar outside when he changes his story. He claimed, “I told the kitchen to make me a burger and I paid at the bar. I, also, gave the kitchen ten bucks.” Now he’s gone from his friend paying for it to him paying the bar and the kitchen. You can give the kitchen all the money you want, but it doesn’t count as payment for anything. Long story short, we yelled at him, called him a liar, got his credit card back and charged him for the burger. The strange part is that he could’ve ordered the burger, spent the same total as his first bill and left a healthy tip. I explained to the kitchen to not make anything without a ticket or say so from a manager. I don’t know what people are thinking, but you try and steal on my watch, and I’m gonna hop in my Gayata and hunt you down.

This was easily the low point of the night. It was a bit slow but there were good customers. The best was Robb Cullen. Robb sat quietly the whole night drinking his Grand Marnier and sipping on his cocktail, occasionally requesting a cola. At the end of the night, he left us a tip that could choke a horse. It boosted our bottom line by twenty percent. What indulgences has he purchased? This guy could take a shit in the middle of the bar on St. Patrick’s Day and I’d happily give him a tongue bidet. Yes, I know where my bread is buttered. I love getting a big tip, but I’ll have some trouble being cordial the next time I serve the Hamburglar.