The Week In Review

I went for sushi early in the week. A douche bag sat two stools down. How could I tell he was a douche bag? He talked on his cell phone so loud that I couldn’t drown him out with my ipod. At one point he rattled off his social security number. All I got was 560-33-. Had I gotten the other four digits, I would’ve put it on stealmyidentity.com. This guy capped off his order asking, “Hey, where is the Mackrel from?” When no one could answer, he said, “I hope it’s not from Mexico, because I don’t want to get the swine flu.” Really? Really?

I recount this story because Tuesday night I went to the Jameson sponsored “Bartender’s Ball.” Bartenders know that there is a sea of douche sloshing around on the other side of the bar; and, now, the other side of the bar would be comprised solely of bartenders and industry people. I was curious to know who would be the douche bag. I mean the law of averages states that if you stand on the customer side of the bar, chances increase dramatically, that you or someone near you will be a douche bag. You know what? I didn’t see one. It’s amazing how polite everyone was. I’ve never heard, “Excuse me,” uttered so many times, as people tried to pass. The only thing they offered to drink was Jameson. If the party were sponsored by Ketel, I would’ve been passed out in the alley in my own vomit, but since it was whiskey, I was able to get a good but not overwhelming buzz. The only downside was when I arrived, there was a healthy line down the block. Now I hate lines. Normally, I wouldn’t have gotten into this one, lest they were giving out blow jobs at the end, but free booze was worth my twenty minutes.

Many people like to joke that I’m gay (at least, I hope they’re joking) and my next sentence will not help my cause. “Every Little Step” is the best film this year. I know there’s only a handful of dudes who I could recommend a documentary about the making of the original and the casting for the revival of “A Chorus Line,” but the inspiration for the once most popular Broadway show of all time, as well as, those whose dream it is to be a part of that show, is truly amazing. Not to butch up too much, but I also saw “Tyson,” which was really good. There are actually some similarities between the two. In “Every Little Step,” you learn where Michael Bennett got the idea for “A Chorus Line,” and in “Tyson” you find out why Iron Mike bit Evander Holyfield’s ear off.

That brings me to work. We are definitely living in interesting times. Some Mexican national fucked a pig a few weeks ago and now “The Swine Flu” is bordering on a pandemic. Not only am I concerned that my customers won’t have enough money to come down and drink, but I fear that they’ll be too afraid to leave their homes. We had a new band playing. They put me off my game when they started taking chairs from the patio and dining to the stage. I don’t know what they were thinking, but I really don’t appreciate when the “talent” feels that their needs are more important than the “customers’.” I have no problem eating standing up, but some actually like to sit at a table to dine. I went back ready to throttle someone. Instead, I took back the chairs and put that anger into a little ball ready to be unleashed when an SUV cuts me off in my Gayata.

The night started off to be pretty weak. I don’t know where they came from, but customers showed up. We weren’t in the weeds, but we were busy. I turned to Tim and said, “It feels good to be a bartender again.” I tend to say this when we get busy. Tim’s a little superstitious and gets upset when I comment how busy it is. He fears that I’m somehow gonna screw the pooch. Well, come midnight and he was right. As fast as they came in, they left. Me and my big mouth. Back to Tim. He was chatting up a couple of regulars, January “I want a puppy” and Gina. He offered to buy them a round, in exchange for a peck on the cheek. Gina jumped at the chance, but January’s lips were only for her Bud Light Draft. Tim relayed the story and ended it with, “January make Timbo sad.” Although last night a few customers had to remind me to smile, Timbo cracked me up.

The night turned out to be pretty decent. Even though I jinxed our rush, I really enjoyed the customers who came in. I presume tonight will be busier, but I fear that the there will be more douche. I guess it’s the vicissitudes of bartending. Dear Readers, I apologize for not being as diligent with my posts. I hope you enjoyed the week in review.