Resisting Arrest

A professor of mine said that people go to see movies in order to see a just world. I get that. We like to see the good guy succeed and the bad guy get his. Rarely do we see the execution of swift justice. I remember someone passing me from a right turn only lane and a cop pulling them over immediately. It made me happy, not orgasm happy or bowel movement happy, but finding a twenty-dollar bill sticking out of a dead homeless guy's back pocket happy. It made me feel like there was some order in this crazy, mixed up world. I got a taste of that justice tonight. I belive in Karma, or what we do in this world will come back to us. True or not, it gets me through the day. Well, dear readers, tonight a douche bag spat on me and he learned that Karma can be a bitch.

We get a lot of douche bags in our establishment. It's not something special we do. We just happen to be purveyors of alcohol. And when a fucktard consumes alcohol, he becomes a douche bag. I can't stand these people but I try not to let them get to me, either. I've been at this long enough that I can spot them from a mile away. They walked in an hour after the Saints edged the Vikings in an amazing game. I got a strange vibe off him, something in his walk. He introduced himself to the bartender, "Remember me, I used to be Megan's roommate." I turned away. A minute or two later, I heard the woman shout, "Cuntasaurus Rex, I hate this bar," as they exited. The bartender explained that she recognized their state of inebriation and offered them water, but refused to serve them alcohol. Hey, she's a better bartender than I. I usually want to give these chodes a Bacardi tracheotomy and watch them collapse in a pool of their own puke. In any case, I figured that the incident was over. Next thing I see the woman standing at the front door flipping the bird. Now it's relatively innocuous, but it's not good for business to have drunk bitches blocking the door giving the finger. I set down my pornography and got up to start earning my Haitian wages.

I opened the door and asked them to leave. She wanted to file a complaint against the bartender. I told her it was duly noted. She wanted to file a written complaint. I told her to write it down and come back tomorrow when she was sober. They refused to leave, so I called the cops. While waiting for Santa Monica's finest, Dick Bag, name changed to protect the Dick Bag, started in with me. Now, there is nothing more in this world that I would want than to pummel this loser to a pulp. But I'm on the clock, and as an employee, I feel it's not a good idea to throw the first punch. Now as for the second punch, that one is all mine. In any case, the guy got in my face, begging me to hit him. I refused. At this point, Cunt Face, probably her real name, was trying to tell Dick Bag to shut up. With the cops on their way, and Dick Bag being a small in stature Dick Bag, I tell him to listen to Cunt Face. In fact, I said, "You should listen to her tough guy." I love riling douche bags, small ones mind you, and Dick Bag was no exception.

At one point, four customers were leaving and stood to watch. I pointed out to Dick Bag as he got in my grill, that these gentlemen were all witnesses. Dick Bag said, "These four douche bags?" Oh, pots and kettles, how black are thee? One of the customers was ready to pound Dick Bag, but I told them it wasn't worth it. Long story short: Dick Bag spat on me. I felt it hit my head and figured it was his cigarette, until I looked down and saw some loogie on my shirt...my good shirt. I called the police again and apprised them of the situation. A couple minutes later, Dick Bag and Cunt Face walked away. I followed them and updated the police over the phone, when I finally saw a police car. I showed the officer the loogie and described the assholes. He took off after them. Now this is where the story gets good.

I don't know what I expected when my friend, Jamie, and I headed down Second Street to see it all go down. I figured that since I still had evidential loogie on my shirt and head, I needed to be there. When we arrived, about fifty yards North of Rose, the officer was getting their information. And wouldn't you know it, Dick Bag still had his sunglasses on at eight-thirty at night. No, scratch that. He must've put them on because he didn't have them on when he was fucking with me. Personally, I'd want to be on my best behavior when questioned by a police officer, but, hey, I'm no Dick Bag. You'd tell me if I was, right? Next came the cuffs. After, Dick Bag was cuffed and walked around the police car, he fell to the ground. Maybe Dick Bag was forced to watch Gandhi in his community college film class and thought it was time to exercise that civil disobedience that worked so well for India. Alas, Dick Bag didn't realize that it was actually criminal disobedience he was exercising. The officer shouted, "Get up! Get up!" Dick Bag, oh so clever, said, "Pick me up!" At this point Cunt Face leaned in to explain to Dick Bag that he should "shut the fuck up!" (My words) The officer told her to move away which she didn't. I don't know how it happened but Dick Bag had a burst of human strength and stood up. The officer tried to put him in the back of the police car and spunky, little Dick Bag couldn't help but resist. Now it was time for Cunt Face. While resisting, Dick Bag told Cunt Face to call someone which she did. While trying to talk on the phone, the Officer attempted to arrest her, too. She remained on the phone until he was able to get he hands behind her back. Lights could be seen and sirens could be heard off in the distance. While Cunt Face's face rested on the trunk of the squad car and her arms behind her back, five other police cars arrived at the scene.

I still had my evidential loogie and I gave my statement. The officer gave me a wet nap, explaining they didn't need my "evidence." I asked about assault charges and he explained that they have him for resisting arrest. I could press charges, but Dick Bag committed a significant enough crime that he'll be prosecuted and I won't need to be involved. The justice was swift and I hope it will be harsh. While I wasn't happy that Dick Bag spat on me, it was, oh so, worth it to see him get done for resisting arrest.